Tips for a healthy and stable relationship

Kim Kardashian is engaged to a dude I had a crush on back in the day. By that, I mean that I have never met him, but he was a local basketball star and I had a picture of him from the local newspaper taped on my bedroom wall. It was next to a picture of the Hanson brothers. He seemed more accessible, at the time, than the Hanson brothers, because he lived twenty minutes from me. Let's all chew on that lesson of fleeting fame for just a minute.

Anyway, this is what he looked like back then:

Smoking hot, right?

Recently, Eric told me that he had played baseball with him back in the day.

"I was up against him once in a running drill. He was so tall that I was convinced he was going to be crazy uncoordinated. Then he smoked me. I blamed it on my asthma, but he was just really freaking fast."

"Gosh," I said, pointing at a ridiculous sexualized pic of Kim in a tabloid we were looking through. "How does it feel to know that if you'd just run a little bit faster, you'd be dating this right now?"

Instead, we were sitting in my rented apartment, on a couch that a couple gave away for free after their kids went gangbusters on it with a pink highlighter. Later, we'd survey the contents of my fridge and determine they were just dire enough to justify a trip to Punch Pizza.

As I doused my Mimi in extra olive oil, I dug in one last time on this pressing issue.

"You know, if you'd run faster, you'd be in LA right now. You'd probably be at a premiere, on the red carpet, and your official duty would be to make sure Kim's fake butt implants didn't fall out of her dress."

"BUTT IMPLANTS?" he asked incredulously.

"That's not even the half of it. She'd also never eat this delicious combination of carbs, cheese, and oil with you. She'd make you drink a QuickTrim shake for dinner, in front of 10,000 cameras. Man are you lucky you were a slow runner with debilitating asthma."

Then, as promised, I ate the whole pizza. It's important to keep promises when you're in a relationship.