Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Wow, are those REAL puka shells?

Kretsch, this one's for you. Dealbreakers are one of life's simple pleasures- a fleeting moment of judgment combined with the security of knowing you absolutely deserve better than the approaching man-boy sporting a flat brimmed hat. My ultimate dealbreakers are as follows:

1. Casual use of the word "sexy"
Know your audience. If you call me that word within the first five minutes of meeting me, I guarantee that you will not have a sixth minute to work with. This especially goes if you approach me when I'm dancing because I know then you are just blatantly lying.

2. Talking about money
Even if you have lots of it. Chances are, your wealth is only going to buy me a drink or two, so I'd save it. Plus, who wants to date a woman who salivates at the prospect of gold digging?

3. Comparing me to your ex
I would rather you inform me you have been blissfully single since coming out of the womb than mention your dating history in the first ten minutes.

4. Popped polos
This should not still be an issue. Unfortunately, it is. Down boy.

5. Having a smaller waist than me
My senior Sadies date (and monster crush at the time) came out of the dressing room rocking a pair of size 27 plaid pants that I could have squeezed into after a week of fasting. I never forgave him.

6. Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy.
Luckily, those who wear EH are also usually sporting five inch spiky highlights, a Von Dutch hat, and/or a solid meth face. Therefore, I am already so turned off that their metallic print tee is the least of my worries.

7. Men who drive pimped out Hummers with the license plate "Chimera"
I bet you think this is too specific- it is not. That guy lives down the block from me and cut me off last week. Then he smirked and did "the nod" when we were stopped at a light side by side a few minutes later. Yes, your Greek mythology plate reference really won me over after you nearly decapitated me with the mobile home that you call a car.

8. Hieroglyphic text messages: "Wat r u up 2 2nite?" "U r so hawt"
This is where I don't have any experience, praise baby Jesus. I haven't come across any abbreviators but I know it would put a damper on things. I think it's pretty obvious that brevity is not my strong point. Thus, I don't expect it back from anyone. Last year I had a crush on someone and then he went and used the word "appease" in a text. It was a moment of clarity- anyone who utilizes high school vocab words via text messaging gets bonus points in my book.

9. Writing a blog called "Conservative Casanova"
I came across it last week, on accident. I would link to it but I think it's bad blog etiquette to link to someone you are trashing. I will say that the irony of supporting abstinence-only education while bragging about his conquests has somehow escaped him, which is simultaneously hilarious and terrifying.

The majority of my DBs come from fashion, but I think they're all pretty legit. The men in trucker hats and $50 ironic graphic tees will make a seamless transition into the ones who someday fight you over closet space for their summer scarves. Men who think their fashion needs rival those of women? Dealbreaker.


Teresa said...

Don't tell Daniel.

Katie said...

That is a very good list...good work!! Just a warning too, you should never move to CA because you would die from the terrible amounts of Ed Hardy and spiked hair. I want to die knowing that I live in the same area as all of these EH lovers...it makes me sick!