Also, they have a whirlpool

In the last year and a half of living at home, I've become everyone's go-to house sitter. By my estimation, I've house-sat 6 times this year. Some people are great about leaving directions (down to the color-coding of TV remotes to their notes), others leave very little instruction (great for when their plants die, as it's not technically my fault), and some get so nit-picky that I spend the week fearful that they might have me on a nanny cam streaming to their Ho-Jo suite in Tampa.

My current house-sitting gig takes the cake. I haven't actually started yet, so this might be premature. But my co-worker who leaves tomorrow for a great family vacay created a full 'ABC's of the house' document for me that outlines everything I'll need to know and it is hysterical. From letter C, subhead T:

Throw-up. The standard game plan is to first ignore the offense, just in case someone else might notice and clean it up. (This may be an ineffective first step for you, I don't know.) Pick up the disgusting pile of unchewed food, squirt the offending are with a couple shots of Resolve, leave for 5 minutes, blot with a damp sponge or old rag, extol {cat} on the virtues of healthy eating habits and the dangers of shoving his paw down his throat.

In addition to the comedic guide, I was instructed to drink heavily while there, given directions on running paths in the neighborhood, and they changed their wireless password to my name for ease. Fresh basil will be blooming out of control on the deck, please take as much as you want! Oh, and the deck overlooks a quiet marsh! Our appliances are old and so we'd actually be grateful if you broke them so we could have a reason to replace them!

Who are these people?!

They're either the best house-sitting clients of all time, or their cats are bulimic descendants of Lucifer, and I'll run screaming after 2 days.

We. Shall. See.