Oh My God, Whatever, Etc.

Let's just re-cap this day quickly. Before I begin, I'd like to state that I never rode the short bus to school, scored relatively high on standardized tests, and somehow managed to get a college degree in four years. In sum, I'm not a complete idiot. Everything I'm about to write contradicts this statement. 

7:45 am: I leave my house crabby because I didn't have time to brew some coffee and I'm running too late to stop at the 'Bou.

7:52 am: I blow a tire on the highway, manage to bust across three lanes of traffic during rush hour (as people honk and give me the finger) and pull off onto an exit. 

7:53 am: I reluctantly call my dad to inform him that his has occurred. I fess up to hitting a curb on the way to work yesterday, which obviously caused the tire to blow today. He says he's on his way.

8:28: Johnny changes my tire in 2 minutes flat. He trades cars with me because he feels that I shouldn't have to drive the one that gave me so much trouble to begin with. He reciprocates the hug I give him, confirming that he's not totally pissed.

9:20: I arrive to work (post a deserved Caribou stop) and begin training my CEO's 17-year-old son, who is job shadowing me for the morning. For our "research" portion, I inform him that I use Wikipedia and Google, and he tells me that his mom doesn't let him use those sites when he writes papers. I begin wondering if he's going to tattle on me for my lax methods. I decided I don't care. We begin discussing Judd Apatow's career and I promise to give Pineapple Express another shot. 

1:30 pm: I leave work to run errands for some presentations we have tomorrow. The car won't start because in my haste to job shadow, I left the lights on (not quite non-automatic... oops). I go over my options: call my dad again, have a co-worker jump me (and think I'm a complete jackass), or take a cab on three hours worth of errands. I call Joel in a panic, wanting to bitch about my shit excuse for a day. He has the day off and agrees to drive me all over the damn city for the afternoon. I make a mental note to put his name in for canonization if I ever return to the Catholic Church.

3:30 pm: I return to work and get cracking on the insane amount of stuff I have left to do.

7:00 pm: Powerpoint freezes. I discover the Mac version of Control-Alt-Delete, a gem called "Force Quit". I attempt this six times, rebooting each time. Powerpoint continues to freeze, I continue to want to murder myself.

7:35: I say two Our Fathers and a Hail Mary and reboot one last time. Powerpoint behaves itself and I wonder if my whole "faith journey" has been in vain. I make a mental note to really elect Joel for canonization since my lax Catholicism just pulled through. Then I begin to feel Catholic guilt over my lack of attendance for the past ehhhhh, seven years.

8:15: My parents arrive to jump the car. My dad speaks to me which I wasn't expecting at this point. He hugs me and even smiles as his car starts. He turns off at a random exit behind my mom and I on the freeway and she wonders where he is going. I say, "Mexico."

8:45: I pour myself a "glass" of delicious red wine, which is actually about 1/3 of the bottle. I am flushed and tipsy after a half of the glass. I begin collating documents for tomorrow, but wonder how many of them will be improperly stapled when I get to work in the a.m. due to my deserved inebriation.

8:47: My stapler breaks and I tell my mom that I might actually off myself. She fixes it in about six seconds and I carry on.

9:50: I am legitimately drunk and still working. This is not going to turn out well.

10:30: I start writing this blog post. I get to this point and realize I still have to pack for Chicago.

Let's just focus on a quick fact here. Today was Thursday, March 12. All that shit happened to me on Thursday the 12th. That means tomorrow, which is arguably the busiest day I've worked so far, is Friday the 13th. I am also flying tomorrow. 

I demand to know: could tomorrow possibly be worse than today? 

I also demand to know: does fmylife take entries this long? Perhaps as a weekly grand prize winner? Or should I enter these all separately?