Girls can't play no ball. Ball better than YOU.

I have a very serious NCAA Bracket going on this year, and I'm way more amped than anyone with a $5 pay-in should ever be. A very long time ago, I came in 2nd place using this formula and it has been wildly unsuccessful ever since. Nevertheless, I rigidly adhere to it year after year because I have absolutely no real knowledge of sports aside from the angry tangents of my brothers at the dinner table. Plus it's fun to watch other people in my pool go utterly batty when I submit my picks.

My not-so-foolproof March Madness Formula, in absolutely no order:

School colors and mascots 

I do not pick teams that have purple or pale blue. Basketball is not a sport for pansies, so I choose primary colors and other ones that seem inherently strong. This year, that meant Kansas, Michigan State, and Memphis. Crappy mascots/team names quickly ruin chances for teams- Marquette, I am still in shock that you kept the Golden Eagles. It's really pitiful. 

Random obsession with players

This doesn't really affect anyone this year, but Davidson would have made a run for the Big Dance (and probably effed up my whole bracket) if they had made the tournament this year. Stephen Curry is the cutest, tiniest man ever. 

Angry vendettas my brothers have

Allow me to paraphrase, but I think our overall opinion on UNC is: "Tyler Hansborough is a whiny pussy. He was last year, he will be next year when someone inevitably and mistakenly drafts him. I hope (insert defender here) FUCKS HIM UP"

Strange familial loyalty

My mom talks about Coach K as though he is an old friend, so Duke is bound to make a long run no matter what the experts say. 2007 was a rough year due to this rule.

Fun to say/easily mispronounce-able names

Sports announcers are easily excitable idiots. It's way more hysterical to listen to them all hastily stumble/lisp "Syracuse" for two hours than to hear the same boring names like "Maryland" and "Butler". Also, the real morons are known to forget about that silent S in Louisville- English is a bitch, isn't it?

Completely unnecessary associations with teams

My best friend's dad went to Gonzaga in the early 80's. Go Bulldogs! 

Moral grounds

A point guard named Khalid El-Amin went to Minneapolis North HS in the late 90's, then to UConn where he helped them win THE SHIP in 1999. The entire city went nuts for the hometown boy, and then he was arrested a few weeks later for drug possession. Shame was brought to Minnesota, and so my UConn bracket blacklisting (within reason) began*.

Alma mater loyalty, if appropriate

I sometimes remember that my school had a basketball team, apparently one with a following I was not even remotely a part of. Go Badgers?

Minnesota loyalty, if appropriate

My loyalty for the Minne begins and ends at hometown hero's drug arrests. I have the Gophs winning one game, then losing to Duke. 

Inappropriate opinions

The thought of Mormons balling makes me laugh out loud, because I can only imagine their terror in facing tatt-ed out street players. BYU already lost, but I had them beating Texas A & M. 

When all that fails I either guess blindly or phone a friend. The phone a friend option is risky, because I will be REALLY pissed if they guide me incorrectly. Also, they are likely to call my picks "trendy" which really gets my goat. Trendiness is for hipsters in gray skinny jeans smoking cigarillos- March Madness is classic, not trendy. I should know how to spot a trend- I'm apparently in marketing these days.

So far, I am 1 for 3. I never said this was bound to make me win, or even not look like a fool come 3rd round. In fact, I typically get REALLY excited when one of my random selections makes an unexpected run for the championship and all the bracketologists are bemoaning the state of their miserable, scientific picks. 

*I only googled the year of UConn's NCAA championship for this. Impressed?  A scorned Minnesotan never forgets.