Cue the Rocky theme

The Midas touch is where everything someone touches turns to gold. The opposite of this, we could call the Sadim touch if we were being cute. For the sake of clarity, we’ll just call it my life.

Over the course of my twenty three glorious years, my parents and I have noticed that I break everything I come into contact with. They are not broken because of being dropped or water spilling on them. No, my luck is where I appropriately shut down a computer one day and it won’t boot up the next. My iPod suddenly stops charging and the screen turns a shade of bluish-gray. Our washer breaks inexplicably when I do one load, while my mom does hundreds of loads without any problem. Brand new lightbulbs burn out when I walk by, new phones turn off mid-text never to come on again, alarm clocks buzz when they aren’t programmed to go off for another six hours. When I bring in computers to a tech or we call in electricians, they inevitably go through their full manual of fix-its before scratching their head and saying “Huh. Never seen that before. Not in XX years of service.”

All of this leads into the main point of this post. The fabulous job got a little less fabulous this week when I was informed that I am the “go-to girl” on all printer, fax, and copier problems. Jam? Out of toner? Apparently, I am the office troubleshooting expert. It would be funny if it weren’t so incredibly ridiculous. I already break everything, and now they are entrusting me with the most sensitive machines in the office?

So began my fight with a printer cleverly nicknamed "GODZILLA". So far I’m coming in with a solid one and a half point advantage, but I'll keep you posted.

Gina vs. Godzilla: Round One

1. I mean to press ten copies, but actually press 100. My boss walks in as I’m cursing under my breath and desperately pressing the cancel button. Point: Printer

2. I troubleshoot a printer and we end up having to outsource to Kinkos. Someone else troubleshoots a printer and the fire department is called. Point: Gina

3. I print one copy, but the Excel document has a 50 page hidden workbook that I didn’t see. The workbook has just enough design on it to render the pages unusable for future copies. Point: Printer

4. I "troubleshoot" by sticking my hand all the way back through to the paper feed, reminiscent of a young girl working in a thread mill in the early 1900’s. My hand doesn’t get chopped off like theirs did. Point: Gina

5. Paper gets stuck in an area that is inaccessible to even my child labor-sized hand. I fashion a device out of a pencil and some double sided tape and triumphantly snag it out. Point: Gina

6. Our CEO walks into the creative dept. as I have my head inside the main printer compartment and my ass up in the air. I recognize her shoes out of my peripheral vision, and pull my head out while tucking my booty under and gracefully rolling up to a full upright position as she stares me down, clearly amused. Point: Pilates/Gina

Bring it on, technology. I double dare you to eff with a girl who spent five months searching job sites like a rabid raccoon in an overturned garbage can. You have no idea the kind of motivation that gives a person...