"They teach this type of stuff on Blue's Clues"

"You've never watched the Kim Kardashian sex tape?" a friend asked me incredulously earlier this year. **

Er, no. Can't say that I have. For many reasons, the least of which being that I haven't ever seen anyone's sex tape and I'd like to keep it that way. I'll stalk celebs within an inch of their crotch in the limo exit pictures, but that's where the old fashioned gal in me stops. Also, I'm relatively safe with my computer usage- no downloads, clicking on pop ups, or password memory between log-ins. I learned my lesson the hard way when my dad had to completely rebuild my computer freshman year and unapologetically left me with only Pink Floyd- Z in my music folder. I still haven't fully recovered, and neither has my iTunes.

Imagine my confusion, then, when I start getting popups that say "DANGER! Your computer has been infected 2920 times. Click here to prevent permanent damage!" I hadn't run my clean up software in awhile, so I clicked. When I told my dad about the flurry of pop ups that came after that, he told me my computer was probably fine until I DID click on that pop-up, which was a virus. "Only people who know NOTHING about computers would click on that," Johnny tells me. Those tricky bastards.

This leads to my computer technician father cleaning up my computer and inevitably asking questions like, "What kind of sites are you going on anyway?" in exasperation. In reality, he'd probably rather have me lie than tell the truth. Liberal blogs, dad. Lots and lots of liberal blogs. I then recall all my friends who apparently watch Kim and her pals on a regular basis, and have virus-free computers. Those lucky bastards.

"How bad is it?" I ask tentatively. If I am not going to be getting back any of my documents and music, I don't want to be surprised.

"Let's put it this way. If I were at the shop, I'd call all the guys over to take a look at it and laugh at you," he says cracking up. Seriously, they must have interviewed him for the Nick Burns skit. It's uncanny.

In the end, he replaced my drive and handed it back to me a few hours later, still shaking his head at my stupidity. It's hard to feel animosity towards a man who replaces your computer's main parts for free in two hours, so I thanked him and apologized profusely. Secretly, I know he enjoyed it. I have a feeling my dad was the guy who filled in the "Enjoy very much" bubble on the "do you like to take things apart just to put them back together and make them work better?" question of the lame job placement test everyone takes in 7th grade.

I'm also sure he was relieved that my internet history didn't include "Kim Kardashian XXX". Being liberal is one thing. Supporting Ray J's film career is quite another.


** You know who you are