Kale smoothies

I've been semi-regularly drinking green smoothies for the last year and a half. I'd like to report that these smoothies, which are largely comprised of antioxidant-rich kale, have made a huge difference in my overall health and well-being. Unfortunately, I continue to drink 500 calorie coffee drinks with alarming frequency, so it's been a bit of a wash. However, I'm dedicated-ish to drinking these green monsters for the foreseeable future.

Here's an Instagram photo my mom took of me, making fun of me drinking said smoothie while also swiping a Poptart for later. (Side note: Do not miss my mother's amazing caption.)

Below is the recipe I've been using. The cilantro and mint go a long way to making the smoothie taste fresher and less like ground dirt. In other words, don't skimp on tha herbz.

- 1/4 cup water
- 1/2 cup ice
- 2 cups kale
- 1/2 cup spinach
- 1 banana
- 1 green apple
- 3 stalks celery
- 2 large carrots
- 1 pear
- 1/4 cup grapes
- Literally anything else that might make it taste better, including: Cuties, oranges, limes, lemons, fresh or frozen berries, cucumber, pineapple and mango
- 1 handful each parsley, cilantro and mint (add at the very end)

Step One
Blend all but the herbs using your friend's $400 Vitamix blender. Really, don't even bother making the above smoothie if you don't have an blender with horsepower equivalent to your car or a semi-truck. In the loving arms of the Vitamix, the smoothie is homogenous and darn near edible. When handed over to a Black & Decker that you bought at Target for $39.99, for example, your smoothie will need to be chewed like cud and you will dry heave in your kitchen at 6 a.m. Don't blame me; it's science.

Step Two
Thank and bless the herbs as you gently sprinkle them into the top of the mixture. Then blend them in. Seriously though. Forget those herbs and you will be awash in a sea of regret.

Step Three
Drink 16 oz. or more, making sure that at least one gulp is in the presence of someone who finds the whole thing to be repulsive.

Step Four
Separate the remaining into mason jars or other clear containers that will eye you with judgment every time you open up the fridge and don't drink from them. Finish it off and repeat from Step One until your skin turns green.