Tips for a healthy and stable relationship

Kim Kardashian is engaged to a dude I had a crush on back in the day. By that, I mean that I have never met him, but he was a local basketball star and I had a picture of him from the local newspaper taped on my bedroom wall. It was next to a picture of the Hanson brothers. He seemed more accessible, at the time, than the Hanson brothers, because he lived twenty minutes from me. Let's all chew on that lesson of fleeting fame for just a minute.

Anyway, this is what he looked like back then:

Smoking hot, right?

Recently, Eric told me that he had played baseball with him back in the day.

"I was up against him once in a running drill. He was so tall that I was convinced he was going to be crazy uncoordinated. Then he smoked me. I blamed it on my asthma, but he was just really freaking fast."

"Gosh," I said, pointing at a ridiculous sexualized pic of Kim in a tabloid we were looking through. "How does it feel to know that if you'd just run a little bit faster, you'd be dating this right now?"

Instead, we were sitting in my rented apartment, on a couch that a couple gave away for free after their kids went gangbusters on it with a pink highlighter. Later, we'd survey the contents of my fridge and determine they were just dire enough to justify a trip to Punch Pizza.

As I doused my Mimi in extra olive oil, I dug in one last time on this pressing issue.

"You know, if you'd run faster, you'd be in LA right now. You'd probably be at a premiere, on the red carpet, and your official duty would be to make sure Kim's fake butt implants didn't fall out of her dress."

"BUTT IMPLANTS?" he asked incredulously.

"That's not even the half of it. She'd also never eat this delicious combination of carbs, cheese, and oil with you. She'd make you drink a QuickTrim shake for dinner, in front of 10,000 cameras. Man are you lucky you were a slow runner with debilitating asthma."

Then, as promised, I ate the whole pizza. It's important to keep promises when you're in a relationship.

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Day 35: Strange (online) bedfellows

Who is the most random person you follow online? Choose someone you don't know, don't know how you found, or even someone you love to hate. Why do you do it?

I've been wanting to write a post about this for months. I follow Mike Tyson on Twitter. I should really hate Mike Tyson, and I think in many ways I do. But he's also unbelievably interesting, and his transparent quest for grace over the past few years has been undeniably compelling.

Let's look at the facts: the man was convicted of rape in the 90's, and of spousal abuse in a marriage that his ex-wife called "torture, pure hell." He has eight children, from multiple women, and until recently, has said that he felt no reason to be faithful to his girlfriends or wives. Oh and he bit a man's ear off.

Mike Tyson is a terrible human being, certainly. But he's the first one to admit that now.

"The first stage of my life was just a whole bunch of selfishness. Just a whole bunch of gifts to myself and people who didn't necessarily deserve it. Now I'm 44, and I realize that my whole life is just a fucking waste... So if there's a big plan now, it's just to give—it's selflessness, caring for the people who deserve it. Because I think I'm a pig. I have this uncanny ability to look at myself in the mirror and say, 'This is a pig. You are a fucking piece of shit.'" - Details magazine, Aug. 2010

Tyson was raised amidst violence, and then made a career out of what he calls "wanting to kill, maim" people - he says that all good boxers are trained to act like monsters in the ring. Then he took this lifestyle outside the ring, and he lost everything because of it. When his daughter died tragically in 2009, he reevaluated his life and has since dedicated himself to a full, lifelong recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, as well as his admitted rage issues.

In a culture where we seem to forgive and forget horrific acts committed by the rich and famous (Vick's lauded NFL comeback, Sheen's current sold-out tour) after minimal apology or retribution, I think it's admirable that Tyson is consistently working to apologize for his past transgressions rather than ignore them. (Perhaps he could tutor Chris Brown?)

He tweets about philosophy and his new vegan lifestyle, of sitting with his wife while she breastfeeds their child. On a recent trip to Prague, he wished to be at home with his kids. He talks often about how his wife's love is the greatest gift he's been given, and that he doesn't feel he deserves it. I really want to believe it's not an act, even after his account this week changed from gratitude to promotion of his new iPhone game.

Why am I so invested in his recovery? I think it stems from knowing the inherent narcissism of addicts firsthand; Tyson represents the post-addiction stage that friends and families of addicts always wish for, but aren't ever sure is possible.

Last week he tweeted, "I'm glad I grew up to be a human being, instead of a millionaire or billionaire."

I hope that first part is true, though I suspect he's still a millionaire.

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Golden Globes - live text or something

One thing you may not know about me, if you don't know me IRL, is that I'm one of those awful twenty-something women who know more about celebrity culture than they do about... well, probably anything.

I don't have time to read shamelessly flawed internet tabloid sites anymore, but I do still love a good awards show. Pretty people, in pretty dresses, alternately smiling or smoldering at the camera depending on their current publicist's advice? I'm all over it.

Luckily, so is Joel. When the Golden Globes were on this past Sunday, we casually began texting our red carpet opinions. 3+ hours and nearly FOUR HUNDRED text messages later, Gervais concluded and our epic text session ended. Which is when I told him that I was planning to edit out the F-words and post some of our better banter to this blog.

If you don't like swearing or people who spend their lives judging others, then I'd come back next week.

Let's do this.

Sometimes we just say what probably everyone in the planet was thinking at that time (Justin Bieber):

Often, we say what only we are thinking at the same time:

(Helen Mirren):

(Sandra Bullock):

Sometimes I'm reminded that Joel is 1,000 times funnier than me (Tilda Swinton):

(Lea Michele, then Alicia Keys):

Sometimes all is right with the world (Joseph Gordon Levitt, Natalie Portman):

Sometimes we're off-topic but can keep up with one another (Milla Jovovich, Michael C. Hall):

My favorite moment of the night was when we began scripting our own movie based on the actor onstage (Clare Danes):

We're probably going to find a way to live-blog the Oscars. I haven't told him that yet, but I think it could be epic.

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Internet Roundup

What's been entertaining me on the interwebs this week:

Birthday Card about Satan
A little girl chooses an odd time to talk about the devil - her uncle's birthday note.

Kanye West's stylist speaks
This Q and A with Kanye's 19-year-old stylist, Cassius Clay, is so beyond what I ever could have hoped it to be. Among other things, he lists his current obsessions as: "Charles Dickens, truffles, gloves from Givenchy Fall/Winter 2010, taxidermy." After reading this, I spent about an hour imagining how insufferable it would be to be in a room with these two. (Please note the disambiguation at the end of this article where they clarify that this stylist was not named after Mohammed Ali, but in fact, Mohammed Ali was named after this Cassius Clay's ancestor. I had no idea families like this still existed. I want to go to there.)

Darryl Hall's comeback

My mom once told me that she decided to marry my dad when she saw him drunkenly air guitaring to the song, "She's Gone" by Hall and Oates, so I've always had an affinity for this 80's duo. For anyone who's seen "Live from Darryl's House", or just rocked out to "Rich Girl", this is an interesting read that delves into how difficult it is for artists to evolve from one era of music to another. (Missing is a comment on how jacked up D. Hall's face is looking. Come on, man. Your forehead could outshine Nicole Kidman emerging from a Vaseline pit.)

The rise of "tween fashionistas"

The latest fashion darlings are not ingenues like Carey Mulligan or Emma Watson - they're 12. Or 10, in the case of Willow Smith. Salon peeks into the strange (and dangerous) trend of designers using pubescing girls as their muses. While we've all been hearing that the modeling industry is raising their weight standards for runway shows, is it possible that designers aren't holding up their end of the bargain? Are they simply going to bend lower in age so they don't have to use size-4 dress forms? What happens to the self-esteem of these young women when their bodies inevitably sprout hips, breasts, thighs? Shudder.

Catalog Living
It's too hard to choose a post on this amazing site that mocks pretentious catalog shots but this, this and this are my recent favorites.



What have YOU been reading?

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11 Things (Reverb10, Day 11)

December 11 – 11 Things
What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)

_______


1. Chronic guilt, as previously mentioned.

2. Obsessive celebrity gossip stalking. My fabulous ex co-worker mails me her OK! castoffs, so I’m not exactly going cold turkey. I’ve just realized that one magazine per week provides more than enough fodder on the idiocy that is the Kardashian family. Plus, the dresses look prettier on the glossy pages than they do online.

3. Using my phone while driving. I wasn’t using my phone when I got in my accident, but I do use it a lot otherwise. This is a poor choice because I'm the world's worst driver.

4. Underestimating the time it takes to get from A to B. When I judge the amount of time it takes to get somewhere, I round DOWN. Then, I’m late and crabby. So, I will round up. This is not rocket science.

5. Soda. I should probably only have one bad drinking habit (that being coffee, chill out), so I’m cutting soda. It never tastes as good as I want it to anyway.

6. Lean Cuisines and other frozen microwaved meals. Alright I’m going to be honest. I eat them almost every day for lunch. There’s no way I can cut them 100%. However, I’m not sure that they’re really food, they don’t fill me up, and I generally spend my entire six forkfuls grumbling about how disgusting they are. Here’s to me getting off my lazy bum and DOING. SOMETHING. ABOUT. IT.

7. Artificial sugar. This won't be hard - I’ve never liked it anyway and now all these studies are coming out about rats getting cancer or whatever and it seems like a lot of awfulness could be avoided if people weren’t chugging Crystal Light all the time (Joel, this is not a personal attack). Also I don’t eat enough regular sugar to be concerned about having to find a substitute.

8. Being oblivious. I spend too much thinking and not enough time paying attention to what’s actually happening. Dream state is all well and good until I realize I haven’t cleaned my apartment in three weeks.

9. Bags. Roomie and I all but have a contest to see how many bags we can carry each morning. I’ve always got my purse, bag of dance clothes, bag of dance logistical stuff, food for the fifteen hour day I’m about to embark on, etc. There has to be an easier way.

10. Trying to like rap. Kanye's newest is allegedly the greatest album in years. Every track I've heard so far, I hate. Does this make me a bad music fan? Probably. Am I okay with that? Very much so.

11. Making lists that I probably won’t stick to. Like the one above.

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Read what I read. Or just read my recaps.

Blog friends, I'm a little uninspired as of late. My lack of writing doesn't mean that I'm not reading a ton of great stuff on the world wide web, so here are some articles I've found lately. Thanks to Jamie at Betwixt and Between for this fabulous idea.

LZ Granderson for CNN: Myth of the 'Gay Lifestyle" Justifies Bias

Granderson writes about the unfair stereotypes perpetuated about gays, and how these myths are leading to the passing of new laws/ordinances, and the justification of new ones. Of course, he argues, gay people are no more likely to be all the same than any other subset of the population bound by one shared trait. This article was all the more important because Granderson himself has shattered a number of stereotypes- he's a gay black sportswriter. He certainly doesn't fit the prototype that the social conservatives are trying to highlight and marginalize. I hope he continues to get press for his opinions on this subject because we could use a lot more advocates like him, and a lot less like Newsweek's Ramin Setoodeh.

Gail Collins, What Every Girl Should Know About Birth Control

In Collins' post celebrating the 50th anniversary of the pill, she describes its history as well as its social and cultural impact. There have been a lot of recent articles that scold young women for not being more involved in the reproductive rights movement. They mostly argue that we have never lived in a society where abortion is illegal, so we don't worry about losing access to this right. I think that's unfair- I feel that most young pro-choice women are drawn more to action surrounding education about and access to birth control/Plan B because we don't necessarily buy into the idea that abortion isn't a big deal (but we do believe that it should be a legal option). Posts like this draw attention to the importance of proactive prevention, which I think is the real 'next frontier' of reproductive rights.

Rebecca Traister, Screw Happiness

At the suggestion of this article, I have happily shelved my obsession with HAVING IT ALL for the time being. Traister gives the case for embracing dissatisfaction- as difficult as it may be to accept that your life isn't perfect, the imperfections can be used to propel you forward to a place that you want to go. This place would most likely involve happiness - but at least this argues that it's okay for happiness to be the end goal instead of the day-to-day mandate.

Joaquin Phoenix Movie is No Joke

Let's lighten the mood from progressive politics and life goals, eh? Is Joaquin Phoenix (Walk the Line, that one movie that looked like a poor man's Backdraft) starring in a documentary about him going off his rocker, or a really elaborate performance art piece? My money is that it's all a big joke, but not because Phoenix is too normal for this to be real. I think Casey Affleck, Phoenix's brother-in-law and the director of this... initiative... isn't weird enough to film this in earnest. Also, the plot points mentioned in this article make me wonder if it will be harder to sit through than Bruno was. I think that 'film' hit my quota on raunch and nudity for this century, so even though I want to see and judge this shitshow, I'm not sure I can stomach it.

Happy Wednesday! Tell me what you've been reading this week.

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Tight Little Package... Affirmative.

I work in a chicks-only office, so my male contact is limited to a sweaty chainsmoking UPS man:

a Staples guy that looks like a meth-ed out Matt Dillon (or should I just say a present-day Matt Dillon?) :

and a batch of accountants who work across the hall.

Naturally, my slow days are spent annoyed that I can’t have work crushes a la Pam and Jim. It’s gotten to the point where a quick wave from one of the nerd-hots as they walk into their office in the morning brightens my day.

Today I walked out of my door as hottie CPA emerged from their office. VICTORY! My brain yelled in a Johnny Drama voice (I almost deleted this until I realized I had snagged BOTH Dillon brothers in 6 sentences! Best post ever! Enjoy this embarrassing picture of Dillon bro #2!)

Back to the story...

“Hi There!” he said in the Dave Chapelle white guy voice. (Except, that’s his real voice.)

“Happy Friday!” I returned, as I swung my water pitcher up into the air for a salute. The only way this could have gotten hokier would have been if I was wearing tap shoes.

“Indeed! Have a good one!” he said enthusiastically as he got onto the elevator.

Aaaaand that’s my work crush. Pretty exciting, huh? Daydreams generally involve pumpkin patches, a fluffy and lovable dog named Champ, and many scenes from the movie Pleasantville with our faces superimposed over the original characters’.

Now I'm going to read something really intelligent that will make me forget that the majority of my brain is apparently filled with Dillon brothers references.

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